So I've been thinking on and off about perfection. Actually I've been feeling angry that it's something I think is denied to me now. Those "perfect" life moments - how on earth can you have them when one of your children is dead? It feels like one more thing to grieve - as if grieving the physically painful lack of my baby isn't enough.
But then the rational side of me kicked in (good to know it's buried in there somewhere). My life was NOT perfect before Emma died - it was good and rich and happy but ... perfection ... all the time?? ... I realised how stroppy I was being mourning something I never had (and never missed) anyway.
I also realised that life is not all bad now either. It's tough and grey and teary a lot of the time but not always. In the very early days after Emma died I used to feel guilty that I couldn't say, "My life is terrible" - as if somehow I failed her for not feeling like that. But, if I had said that, wasn't I "failing" all the people still living who have offered love and comfort and made this path bearable? Wasn't I "failing" Emma's brother and sister for not seeing the joy that they bring to my life. Emma's death was terrible -is terrible and sad and momentous - but the life I'm living in and around the grief isn't.
This was brought home to me this weekend. My wonderful husband said he wanted our anniversary to be "a break in the storm". It was, because he worked SO hard to make it that. He headed off to work for the day before arriving back with an armful of beautiful flowers and the surprising announcement that he'd managed to get the day off (he teaches so this is a big deal - he can't simply take leave whenever). It was a good day - and it just got better. After a meal out, instead of driving home, he drove us to the castle (turned hotel) where we spent our wedding night. I had *no* idea any of this was coming. The enjoyment he so obviously got from pulling the wool over my eyes was so touching and me - well I got a day and a night that were pretty near to perfect. I got my break in the storm.
6 comments:
wow, what a wonderful anniversary!!
You are right.. how can life ever be perfect again? I feel like you.. I had a near perfect existence.. married to my high school sweetheart, had Gwen at JUST the right time, planned Dresden's birth for that perfect timing as well.. all tha happy days we could wish for.. then BOOM!! Dead baby and everything seems to fall apart around us.. BUT through it all, I feel like it's made our family stronger, we have a connection now that not many people will ever have (luckily!) and we have to embrace that.
This post touched me on so many levels... You're right, we have a life and so much to be grateful for... sometimes that is just hard to accept when we have also lost so much.
What an amazing man you have there... I'm glad you got your "break in the storm".
xo
I'm so glad you got your break. I know how much you needed it.
I know just what you mean about perfection. It's easy to gloss it over and say that everything was perfect and my baby dying ruined it all and nothing will ever be okay again. And, on some level, it's true, I think. But in reality, nothing ever was perfect, and it never will be. Things wouldn't have been perfect for me even if Gideon hadn't died. I feel like I owe it to him not to glamorize what would have been, but to be realistic. Perfect just doesn't exist.
*hugs* for you.
Beautiful post. I feel that way often, that being too miserable is a betrayal to my living daughter, and reveling in life too much is a betrayal to my dead daughter...it is not the way it should be--to doubt both happiness and grief. but perhaps that is the point. our lives are much more complicated now...what your husband managed to pull off is so touching. hugs to you both.
what a wonderful husband and the perfect break. I'm glad you were able to enjoy the time together adn the time away.
xxoo
What a sweet and loving husband you have. I'm so glad that you got a break from the storm. You deserve it.
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