So, I generally try to keep a lid on the bitterness. It achieves nothing and, actually, doesn't generally make me feel better.
But for today, I'm bitter and grumpy. One year ago today we headed into the ultrasound room for my 12 week scan. It was a big deal as my last pregnancy had ended in miscarriage and I was looking forward to waving goodbye to the first trimester of this one and breathing a sigh of relief. I must have been feeling okay about it because we took 3 year old L. in with us - so I think at some level I "knew" this pregnancy was a keeper - and there it was, the little blobby alien being incredibly active and cute. That was the moment I wasn't just pregnant, I was having a baby. That was the moment when I knew for sure that I had fallen in love with this baby before the pee was even dry on the stick(s). That was the moment when I breathed out.
Happy April Fool's day.
4 comments:
you do a good job on your blog of keeping a lid on bitterness. but ugh, we are heading into the anniversaries of "all things pregnant" territory. i conceived lucy this month, and found out i was pregnant early in the next. it's hard not to bitter as these months roll on and we realize all the ways in which we will miss our babies, and how different this time is supposed to be for us.
sending you love.
It's funny... the same thing struck me yesterday. I was just finding out that I was pregnant with Nicholas this time last year..... yes, bitterness.
Strength to you.. xo
I've had these moments, too. The bitterness doesn't make us feel better or really accomplish anything, but it is inevitable sometimes. One year ago, this was the happiest time of my life. I was waiting to feel movement and looking at ultrasound pictures and being happy. Now, nothing is as it should be. I think the time until October will be hard for us -remembering all the milestones. These are the only anniversaries we have - first ultrasound, first movement, when we found out the gender... It's all we have, and it's hard to be happy as they pass and we get farther and farther away from what should be.
All that to say, I understand, and hope the bitterness passes soon. *hugs*
I'm there with you in the bitterness department. Exactly one year ago today I woke up to my first contractions and wondered if Baker would be born on April 1st. Labor took a while to rev up and on April 3rd, he died in labor.
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