Glow in the Woods 7x7:
I'm a little late getting to this (too busy reading everyone else's responses!) but I wanted to participate:
1 | Give us a few words you would have used to describe your body, your health or your sense of physical vitality before the experience of babyloss—and a few that you’d use to describe it now.
Well, I was sort of defiantly self confident. I chose to feel good about my body in the face of being *several* pounds overweight and two emergency sections for "failure to progress". Now, I can no longer even pretend that my body is any good at all at giving birth. I feel very unfeminine for failing three times, once catastrophically so, at something most women take for granted as their birth-rite ...Vitality ... yes, I vaguely remember that as a concept. Something to do with not being perpetually exhausted, right?
2 | What do you do to take care of yourself? Has this changed?
I have started taking a salsacise class and have surprised myself by loving it. Otherwise, I have been pretty much intent on sending my body to hell in an ice cream van. I honestly don't seem to be able to work out what I need to do to take care of myself. But then, it was never something I was all that good at.
3 | Give us one or two words to describe sex or physical intimacy before, and then after the loss of your baby.
Before: Lovely, familiar, lilting. After: Healing, passionate, necessary.
4 | Has loss and/or grief left a physical mark on you (a scar, a chronic condition, insomnia, a tattoo)?
I think I must clench my jaw when I sleep now. I wake up with so much tension in my muscles. Lots more grey hair.
5 | Do you medicate or control your emotions with food, wine, altered states, prescriptions? Without judgement, what have you gravitated towards in an effort to heal, and how do you feel about it?
Food & Wine: I have always been a comfort eater and this grief is beyond uncomfortable. I feel somewhat disgusted by how physically unhealthy I am right now.
Physical intimacy: This feels different - more wholesome and, for me, a more healthy way to "let go" (for a short time).
Does the internet count as an addiction? I'm a reader and have naturally gravitated to words - reading blogs, reading grief guides, memoirs, loss forums ... so many of us hurting. It feels good to connect in some way but it's heartbreaking to face up to the fact that there are so many of us.
6 | Was physical healing important for you in the first year after your loss? What did/does physical healing entail and how did/do you work towards it? If physicality hasn't been a priority for you, what do you do that makes you feel stronger or more able to cope?
I'm only 6 months out and physical healing should be a priority, considering I hope to embark on another pregnancy but, I can't do it - I simply can't find the energy right now to nurture my body well. It's so much more about the emotions at the moment. I'm concentrating on things that make me emotionally strong.
7 | If you could change anything about your body and/or health, what would it be? What would it feel like to be either at peace with your body, or at peace with this babylost state?
If I could change anything, I'd want to change how my body does labour ... I tried during my pregnancy with Emma. I saw an osteopath and had a lot of "realigning" done. She still died trying to be born. It's a moot point really as I will never go into labour again. I remember feeling at peace with my body. My affirmation during my pregnancy with Emma was Psalm 139, "... I am fearfully and wonderfully made." I will never get that back - that feeling died with my daughter. I have so far resisted the urge to draw a thick, black line through that particular psalm in my Bible. Feeling at peace with my babylost state: I want to believe it's possible. I hope it's okay to quote Bon's description of integration:
"taken back in, into my pupils, my breath ... sometimes this feels terribly empty, guilty...and other times like the most beautiful thing i know. "
I think that's what I hope for someday.
1 comment:
Oh, my goodness... the phrase 'defiantly self-confident' - how I love that. I can relate so much of what you've shared, particularly the teeth-clenching. I also find myself having to consciously remember to relax my shoulders, and to breathe - it's so vivid, how our bodies carry stress.
As for this:
"I'm only 6 months out and physical healing should be a priority..I'm concentrating on things that make me emotionally strong."
A-effing-men. I am cheering. I was just the same way. All that matters is that you listen to your heart as well as body - and it sounds to me like you're doing the work you need to do to get yourself in order. The two are linked, anyway - once you're feeling like you're on more solid ground, you'll be able to attend to your physical self. All in time.
Light and love to you in this delicate year. Thanks so much for sharing your answers with us, firefly.
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