Ten Months - A Toby post.

Double figures!

So, what to say about you little man? You are gorgeous - that probably doesn't need saying. You're still as chubby as ever with ringlets of sweet baby podge on your arms and your legs. You are crawling (of sorts).You remind me of a caterpillar as you still use your stomach to manoeuvre yourself to wherever it is you want to get to, (usually towards the nearest wire. You are yet another man in my life with an absolute fascination with technology). It's amazingly efficient - nothing chewable stands a chance against you.

You're a chatterbox. Yes, you're right - you have to be to get a word in edge ways around here. No definite words yet (we did wonder if you tried to say Ben the other day - maybe) but lots of emphatic sounds. I do love our nonsense conversations.

And I remain ridiculously, naively, hopeful that sometime soon, you'll decide to sleep! I'm not reckless - all night wouldn't be completely necessary but three ... maybe even four... hours at a stretch unpunctuated by you expressing your view that sleep is for lesser beings, that would be the icing on the cake little one. Until then ...

You have brought such a lot of light and love and giggles into our life. Thank you for living.

Ghosts and Rituals - Glow in the Woods.

I decided to do this because it is probably the part of life after Emma's death with which I struggle the most. Faith, beliefs, rituals and the solace they provide.

 

1 | Do you believe you can communicate with people in the afterlife, or they with you?  Do you believe you can do this with your child?

Just after Emma died, I had a couple of dreams about her. I don't know if they were a communication from her but they were very comforting nonetheless. I've not had anything like that for a very long time now. I kept a journal in the early days where I'd write directly to her - and when I visit her grave I talk to her. It's a monologue - and I don't expect a reply really. I DO (despite many, many other doubts) believe that Emma is in heaven and I believe she is happy and safe there even if she has never told me that herself.

 
2 | Do you believe in ghosts?  Has this changed since the loss of your child?

 No. I don't. I never have and I can't imagine I ever will. I agree with those who said that they can't think of anything worse than someone precious and special to them being trapped between this world and the next. I don't want that for Emma; it would horrify me. As above, I believe she is safe and happy elsewhere.

3 | Have your feelings changed about Halloween?  How do you respond to Halloween humor such as zombie and ghost costumes or macabre gravestones as decorations?

I am (I think!) a Christian and was brought up in a Christian household. Halloween has never been a part of my celebrations. My church used to organise a "Light party" for the evening so the church children had somewhere to go other than trick or treating. My own children have never participated in Halloween. As a commercial ploy it means absolutely nothing to me and because I see it as such - another opportunity for companies to sell us tat in the slow patch between Easter Eggs and Tinsel - the decorations just don't bother me. They're just junk. It's all separate from my authentic experience of grieving and death.


4 | Does your religious or cultural background have a day or holiday where the focus is honoring the dead? How do you use this experience to honor your own child(ren)? 

No - it doesn't. I suppose the words of the funeral service are quite ritualised - although I don't think we had them for Emma. Isn't that awful? There is much of that day that is burned on my mind but it's like a silent movie. One or two things stand out but not the words we said.

When I read the question, I also thought of Easter. It's not exactly the same but the focus is on Jesus' death and resurrection. And, inevitably, it's also about my daughter's death for me now.
 
5 | Do you ever reach outside of your spiritual/religious framework for comfort from other practices/religions?

Not really. I am moved by the things that I see other mothers doing for "Day of the Dead" and also Samhain. I can feel the ...sacredness ... of these occasions but I haven't integrated any of the rituals into my own grieving.

6 | Is there a season or holiday, other than your child(ren)’s birthday, that inspires you to perform a ritual in memory of your child(ren)?

Christmas. Our first Christmas without Emma was only 2 months after she died. If it hadn't been for our elder children, we wouldn't have bothered celebrating. We asked people not to buy us gifts but to buy for a child who was Emma's age instead and donate it to one of the charities collecting for less privileged children. We continued it last year with gifts for a one year old. This year, it'll be gifts appropriate for a two year old. 

7 | Is there a ritual you perform everyday? Weekly? Monthly? Yearly?

I light a candle when I need to feel close to her. I work on her cross-stitch on the same ad hoc basis. The only "regular" ritual is during the week before her birthday, I light Emma's candle on 10th October to remember Josie who also died in labour in 2008. I keep lighting it to remember Gideon who was born on the 12th and died on the 13th (also in 2008) and, of course, it is lit on the 14th for her birthday and stays lit for the "Wave of Light" on 15th.

On Emma's birthday, we all unwrap a small gift and I make a cake. We take flowers to her grave. We try to make it a day of celebration for the fact that she was rather than mourning the fact that we don't have her here.

8 | Do you perform any public rituals (in real life or online) on October 15? How do your friends, family, or community respond to your acknowledgment of loss?

As above - October 15th is a sort of appendage in this house to Emma's birthday on the 14th. It's usually a rough day - the come down from her birthday. I do participate in "Wave of Light" at 7pm. Our friends and family are very supportive. Grandparents, Aunts and Uncles all sent cards and flowers (or donations in lieu) for Emma's birthday. They also participate in buying gifts for charity at Christmas. We know that we are very fortunate in this.