It was Mother's Day yesterday

I have said that if I ever write a memoir about Emma, I'd have to call it "Life in the Conditional Tense" because it is so hard not to spend so much time with the shoulds and the woulds and the what ifs. Yesterday should have been my most perfect mother's day. I should have been celebrating the fact that my family is complete and I get to watch them grow. But it isn't like that. I didn't get woken up in the wee small hours by a hungry, chubby 5 month old.

But ... it wasn't so bad. Bittersweet ... as is much of life now. I was allowed a lovely long lie in and I was woken by 2 very excited little people and their daddy with a tray full of breakfast goodies. I got 3 gorgeous cards - two my lovely son & daughter had made a nursery and school. One bought by daddy and decorated by the kids. They worked very hard on it yesterday (I guessed what they were up to ... 4 year olds are not discreet) and their daddy announced it was a card to celebrate life, a card full of exuberance. And, you know, the card from my stillborn daughter was indeed full of life - the children had coloured it with bright colours, stuck wobbly eyes and felt poms poms wherever there was a gap and daddy had written the verse:

Dear mummy,

I am your forever baby,
forever your princess,
forever in your heart.
I love you,
my forever mummy.

Emma xxx

As sad & as incomplete as I felt yesterday, I also felt deeply, deeply blessed for what I do have. I just miss my smallest girl.

"The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." (Khalil Gibran)