I shouldn't be surprised really. I was asking a lot of myself to think that I'd be able to come here and write with any coherence in the days after Emma's birthday. I remember from last year that the time after was so much harder than the days before (or the day itself). Both Emma's daddy and I have been sunk in a deep funk. We miss her, we miss her so much. I have waded through the last week, just going through the motions. My introverted little heart has had no space for anything else, except me and my grief. I've not been emotionally available to my other children - simply meeting their physical needs has exhausted me (especially short stuff's need to feed at 1am, 3am, 5 am ...)
But, the thing about two years, is I know there's light. Two years ago, I feared I might never smile again. Now I know that these seasons of sadness will always come but so too will better times. I can't force them to happen, I just have to wait until they return. And I think my mood is a little lighter again. Hopefully, I'll manage the last few days of the meme.
3 comments:
I, just like you, felt in the beginning that there would never be laughter in my house again. I feared that if I felt happiness it would take away from the complete anguish I was supposed to feel all the time. But now, I realize that he would want me to be happy. He wouldn't want me to mourn and be sad everyday. I know he is with me, I can feel, and that makes me happy.
Sending lots of love your way Jill! It's easier now because you KNOW that you can and will smile again. Missing these lil babes of ours is so hard, sometimes it just hits you like a ton of bricks, when you least expect it.
It is so unutterably awful to know that periods of sadness afflict your entire future and nothing can take it away.
I was thinking yesterday that I know I will cry for Freddie at the births of all my grandchildren and with 4 daughters that is odds on to be a fair number of babies.
But yes, I also know there is light.
Thinking of you - I'm so sorry you've been down. I've been lost for words too; I think the season is full of end and death and it brings sadness.
Post a Comment