The first time I took a break, I always intended to come back (but got some lovely, warm fuzzy inducing comments nonetheless) . The last time really was meant to be an end - a tidying up of loose ends and a step away. There was a dissonance between my "real" life and my online presence. In real life, my grief had receded a lot. My focus was on the three children that I am privileged to be raising and on my marriage to my lovely Emma's daddy. Here, I didn't quite know where to go with this blog. It was always Emma's space and I've never quite decided how much of the rest of my life fits here. I didn't want it to become a straightforward mummy blog - there are lots of better ones out there! And, besides, this is where I parent Emma. It didn't seem right that the focus wasn't her anymore and yet, I didn't always have very much to say about her or about life without her. So, I decided to stop and it felt like the right decision at the time.
But, I hadn't quite appreciated how much I relied on this place for my connection to my daughter or to my grief at having to live without her. For a couple of months after I stopped writing, I felt very distant from anything to do with baby loss. It was as if Emma's death happened to someone else or in another lifetime. I felt "normal" - not just "new normal" but almost like I did before October 2008. And yet, there was an imperceptible tension. I only became aware of it when I started reading through the "Where I am" posts. Suddenly, all the sadness and frustration at not having my daughter came back to the fore. That sounds negative but it wasn't. I needed to stop and take stock. I found my connection to my little girl all over again and I realised that I might not need to be here as frequently as I did in the early, raw days but I do need to be here sometimes. And I'm so very grateful for all the people who still leave lovely, lovely comments and graciously accommodate my long silences and clumsy au revoirs. Thank you for walking the path with me.
