The first time I took a break, I always intended to come back (but got some lovely, warm fuzzy inducing comments nonetheless) . The last time really was meant to be an end - a tidying up of loose ends and a step away. There was a dissonance between my "real" life and my online presence. In real life, my grief had receded a lot. My focus was on the three children that I am privileged to be raising and on my marriage to my lovely Emma's daddy. Here, I didn't quite know where to go with this blog. It was always Emma's space and I've never quite decided how much of the rest of my life fits here. I didn't want it to become a straightforward mummy blog - there are lots of better ones out there! And, besides, this is where I parent Emma. It didn't seem right that the focus wasn't her anymore and yet, I didn't always have very much to say about her or about life without her. So, I decided to stop and it felt like the right decision at the time.
But, I hadn't quite appreciated how much I relied on this place for my connection to my daughter or to my grief at having to live without her. For a couple of months after I stopped writing, I felt very distant from anything to do with baby loss. It was as if Emma's death happened to someone else or in another lifetime. I felt "normal" - not just "new normal" but almost like I did before October 2008. And yet, there was an imperceptible tension. I only became aware of it when I started reading through the "Where I am" posts. Suddenly, all the sadness and frustration at not having my daughter came back to the fore. That sounds negative but it wasn't. I needed to stop and take stock. I found my connection to my little girl all over again and I realised that I might not need to be here as frequently as I did in the early, raw days but I do need to be here sometimes. And I'm so very grateful for all the people who still leave lovely, lovely comments and graciously accommodate my long silences and clumsy au revoirs. Thank you for walking the path with me.
10 comments:
I am still waiting for the day to come where I am ABLE to step away for a while, but I am still very raw. I appreciate your sharing this, the ebb and flow, because it helps me realize that at some point I will be at that place as well. And it won't feel so excruciating. Please don't feel bad from stepping away. I think what you describe is perfectly normal and healthy to do. xo ~Lindsay
Sometimes I think it is really important to take a break from this space, but knowing it is here whenever you need it is very comforting. I wonder how long it will be until I can take a break from it, not from Addison, but just the need I have to connect to other moms on a daily basis.
When you said this space is where you "parent Emma" it really struck me. You are right, this is the space where it feels socially acceptable to talk about our babies...it is sort of like another world.
I hope you can take whatever you need from this space to help in your grief journey. Thinking of you and Emma.
Thank you for writing this! I am going into the taking a break phase and I really hesitated to say goodbye, but also for legal reasons I may need to remove the blog permanently lest it all be thrown in my face later. I wish there were easy answers, but alas in grief there are none.
Jill, I think this is your space, and you need to do with it whatever feels right.
I think I'm somewhere near how you describe,There's a fine balance of needs, and sometimes we just have to go with the flow of feelings that might take us by surprise.
x
I think this was one reason I didn't begin a separate grief blog. Freddie is always going to be part of everything, but not always equal parts, iyswim.
I am always glad to see you have written, even though that means grief must be nearer for you (so I'm sorry glad, if that is okay?!?) You have been so important to me this last 16 months.
Oh Jill. I know that I'm scared to shut down my own blog for similar reasons, because I feel it is my connection to my daughter. Sometimes I write and comment more, at others less, an ebb and flow as Linday has described. I hope you find something that feels right for you and for Emma xo
This was such a beautiful post, both the writing and the courageous honesty. I had never really thought of our blogs being a way to parent our kids who no longer live...what a nice thought. And thanks for the courage it took to say that you feel pretty normal from time to time.
Lots of love to the whole family,
Josh
We've always been in similar places on this ugly path of grief. I for one will always be glad when you post here. You speak the words of my heart.
xo
I know exactly what you mean.. I'm still really trying to put together my where I am now post! I have a new goal... his birthday! :)
I do get what you mean. There were several times I wanted to step away but I just couldn't break the connection. So I'm still around! Sporadic but here nonetheless! I think I would feel a little disconnected if I did stop writing in my space b/c it is a place I can focus my energies on my babies.
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