Not many words.

I just don't seem to have many words at the moment so the gaps here have lengthened again. I can feel myself drawing in as I prepare for another Christmas without my youngest daughter. I have been doing well - I have shopped and wrapped and written Christmas cards and made plans for the festive season. I have even found myself looking forward to parts of it. We put our tree up yesterday. Last year my sister gave us tree ornaments for each of our children with their names engraved. Putting up Emma's ornament prompted mixed feelings. I felt the same pleasure I felt last year, to realise that someone had thought of her. At the same time I feel such sadness thinking of the bright stockings upstairs, already stuffed with gifts for Ben and Lucy. Emma has one, small but beautiful tree decoration. We will find other ways to include her - a gift to charity in her name perhaps - but suddenly her absence, always there, feels bigger all over again.

***

I don't really have many words to describe how my pregnancy feels right now either. We're as ready as we're able to be. Clothes and bedding are washed and hospital bag supplies purchased. I don't have the same sense of something imminent and bad that I had last time but I still have no strong sense of this little being who is so physically present within me. I am in love but I couldn't tell you I had a strong sense of the gender of this baby or that I have any true belief that we'll get to bring him/her home with us. Just hope. I am anxious about the birth of this baby. I have not really had anything that would constitute a "good" experience of giving birth. I'm hoping our bereavement midwife will be able to help a little when we see her this week.

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In the absence of anything profound to say, I thought I'd include this song. Our nephew stayed with us this weekend and he played this a lot. Just after Emma died, my best friend sent me a link to the song saying how much it reminded her of Emma and I: