In a couple of hours it will be a milestone date again - fourteen months on the fourteenth. In a couple of weeks it will be Christmas again. Things move on apace and I wonder if I have too. I suppose I have in some ways. Crying is no longer a daily occurrence and the anger is all but gone (sweet relief). I am fumbling my way towards some sort of reconciliation in my faith - tentatively and in a piecemeal fashion - but it feels like progress.
But, I still wake up some days and it hurts. I couldn't explain why yesterday was so much harder than the days preceding it - there was no obvious trigger but there it was. Grief - sharp, bitter, uncomfortable and draining. Sometimes it's a relief to know the tears can still come - they remind me of how much I love my baby. How much I miss her. How much I still want her back.
7 comments:
Yes the world keeps going whilst every-so-often it seems to stand still for us as we remember these milestones. Whilst times are still hard I am sure you are getting stronger and finding ways to integrate your grief into your life.
I know what you mean about integrating your faith too - this has been a long process for me too.
take care
sometimes i find it hard to believe how seamlessly the world has moved on, while the fabric of my life has been torn apart. I hope you feel some sense of peace, even if only for a few moments at a time, this holiday.
peace xx
We never stop missing do we, and I'm only four and a bit months in,but those dark days creep up on me without a trigger too. Grief is always there.
Much love to you.x
Those days, the bad ones, just come in when you least expect them. I love what you say, though, just to remind you about love and missing Emma. And I want to add just how unfair it is that our babies aren't with us, even if somehow we have learned to live a relatively normal life.
With love.
Yes, it's amazing how the pain can come crashing back down all of a sudden. Especially when I realize how fast time is going, how long it's been since I held my baby in my arms, and notice how everyone else around me in life has indeed 'moved on.' It's heartbreaking.
Thinking of you and Emma, today and always.
It's amazing to me, how much it still hurts and then I think, JESUS, my baby DIED, of course it still hurts...but it's weird how I have to remind myself that it's okay that it still hurts. Of course I never have to remind myself how much it SUCKS. sighs.
thinking of you and remembering.
xxoo
It is a strange sensation. The way that everything else seems to carry on, time keeps passing. But (as seems to be a recurring theme with me lately) I feel as though I just stopped. Or at least a part of me stopped.
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that Emma isn't here with you this Christmas. Sometimes the pain just takes us by surprise and it hurts all over again. I think I understand some that of relief you describe so well. xo
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