A year ago today, our family all gathered in the parish church near our house to say our formal goodbyes to Emma. Not our final goodbyes because, to me, that's what grief is - a lifetime of saying "I love you and I miss you and I'm trying to say goodbye".
I still find that thinking about her funeral triggers the disbelief. I still can't believe that I am someone who had to organise MY CHILD's funeral. It still makes me shake my head in sad wonderment - especially when I remember that most of us plan and order such things so soon after our babies leave us. When I think back to the state I was in this time last year I honestly cannot remember how we managed to make the plans we did - I suppose the numbness serves a useful practical purpose.
We don't have photographs of Emma's funeral - this is not something I regret. It never crossed our mind that it might be a day we wanted to document to be honest. Moments of the day are burned into my mind anyway - the moment my dad carried her tiny, tiny casket into the foyer of the church, the moment Dave's dad carried her out of the church. I close my eyes and I can be back there in a moment.
I honestly don't know what to do with this anniversary. Are we "supposed" to mark it in some way? Do we want to? We're away from home today so even a visit to her graveside is not practical. We visiting family, surrounded by noise and chaos and small people - it's very different from a year ago ... maybe that's for the best?
14 comments:
You know, that's interesting. I was thinking something similar recently, going back to the memories of our son's memorial. Where DO we get the energy to persevere and organize stuff like that in times of trauma? It's baffling. I think our minds must shut down for a while while we muddle through those necessary details. And yes -unbelievable to be "one of those people" who buries your own child.
For me all the time around the service for Fionn was like an opportunity to honor him and do the bit of parenting I was allowed/let to do... As crap as the entire situation was the funeral turned into a highlight because for us it was our only chance ever of being a parent
:-/
I echo that. Coming up on the one year anniversary of my son's death has left me with the same feelings. How in the world did I manage to make it through that? How did I find it within myself to plan for my child's funeral? It's a horrifying sense of disbelief looking back, and to be honest, I'm sure if I wasn't still a bit numb from it, the awful truth could paralyze me forever in grief. I think a good, noisy, distraction surrounded by family may not be such a bad thing after all. Hugs
I understand what you're saying. It's been almost 6 months since I buried my son, and I also look back and wonder how I did it. How did I muster up the strength to make those plans and get through that day? I'm glad you're surrounded by family. I truly believe it helps to have a bit of chaos to get through the storm.
I know what you mean about those moments being burned into our minds. Even as I would like to forget the pain of that day, I cannot. Thinking of you on this day.
Yes who of us are old enough to have planned a funeral for our own child? We are a select club no one would ever want to join!
A year ago we were planning our daughter Abigail's funeral which was a year ago on 31st (I never liked Haloween anyway!)
http://livingintherainbow.com/2009/10/27/my-story-11-planning-a-funeral/
I don't think with these anniversary there is a right way of doing it and wrong ways. Are you supposed to mark it etc? I think there are things that are helpful and things that are not. The fact is that you will mark it in your memory because you can't do otherwise. I have tried to avoid putting pressure on myself to do things certain ways.
I hope it goes well for you
'that's what grief is - a lifetime of saying "I love you and I miss you and I'm trying to say goodbye".'
You know Emma, this is perfectly put.
Organising your own child's funeral is something every parent dreads. I wish it were just a hypothetical horror story for you, me and all of us. xxx
I also still think it's wrong I've organised a funeral for my daughter. That shouldn't happen. My parents asked me if I wanted them to wear black or not and I just couldn't comprehend that I had to make those choices.
The only thing we can hope is that we never have to do that again. I don't know how we get through those initial awful days. To be honest I don't think we got through them, but that time refused to stop around us, now we find ourselves here and now wondering how we got here.
Just (((HUGS))) Im so sorry you or anyone of us has to deal with any of these thoughts. xxoo
Thinking of you. It's surreal still to me that we have lost a child. I think I was in shock for weeks after the funeral. Very well put post. (((Hugs)))
My DH and I were talking about this the other day. We decided that we must have been in a huge amount of shock, and that we don't know that we'd have the strength to plan and have our son's funeral now. It really is hard to fathom.
I don't think there's a right or wrong for any of these anniversaries. Just what feels right for you.
Thinking of your sweet daughter Emma.
I'm so sorry about your sweet Emma. Many people grieve the death of their baby, and then they grieve the due date. My daughter's due date was the day of her wake.. one week after she died, and was born, in that backwards order.
It sickened me that my daughter's casket was so small that it could be carried by one adult male without any difficulty at all. my husband, my uncle, my two brothers, and two other grown men struggled with the casket when my father died, and he only weighed just around 220 pounds (100 kg). 6 grown men struggling versus 1 man carrying a casket with ease. life is just too cruel.
i also thought it was cruel that i had to lose a parent when i was only 24 and he was 54. now i've had to lose a parent AND a child?? what??
so sorry to have to meet this way.
I hope the day passed peacefully for you all and that it helped to be somewhere so very different from this time last year. xo
i don't know how any of us does it, it truly must be the shock that enables us. but i know that i could not have done it without my dad and his fiance. i'd never planned a funeral before; my poor father has many times, including my mother's... my part of the planning was more like, ok to this, no to that, and wailing that i didn't want to do this, why why why?!
a while after the funeral a dear friend (and what are dear friends for if not to drive us nuts) non-chalantly mentioned how unorganized the memorial service was. (!) ohhh, how i wanted to curse and smack her- how about YOU plan your own child's funeral and see how perfect it turns out!
grrr....
hugs to you <3
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