Tiniest Sweetheart,
I keep waiting for the point when this gets easier. I suppose, most days, it has. But today - and all your Forever Days - it's just not. If anything, I think these days get harder because the gaps between the truly sad days are longer now so when they come, I'm blindsided all over again.
I hate that I don't get to choose how I mourn you. I want an ineffable sadness to wrap around me - a blanket of memories. I want the grief to pull me closer to you again. But that's not what I've got today. Today, my grief is bitter as if the anger I've been carrying has cooled and hardened to a leaden lump at the pit of my stomach. I never invited bitterness to come on this journey with me. I want you to be proud of your mama, little one. I want you to be the star that I swing from. Not possible when I'm mired in hatred and self pity. It hurts to be so vulnerable to the side swipes of hormones and emotion. To feel unable to fight the urge to stamp my feet and scream, "It's not fair." But it isn't fair. Not fair at all. No amount of cool, calm logic will ever make it so.
You'd probably be crawling now - tormenting the life out of your big sister and brother. It's not fair.
I try to go back to those moments when I first held you, when I kissed you and tried to love you in mere minutes enough for a lifetime apart. The only image I can conjure today is the moment in the porch of the church when your granddad carried you in your tiny, tiny white box - so tenderly. I buckled, your daddy held me up as I sobbed. Nobody can tell me that's a memory a mother should have. Too many of us do.
I miss you, sweetheart. Eight months or eighty years - I always will.
love
mummy
xxx
12 comments:
Jill, it's so, so hard and so terribly unfair.
Lots of love to you - I wish I had something more profound to say.
Jess xxxx
Oh Jill. I wish that I could say that it does get easier. But I don't know that it ever does.
And it's not fair. None of this is fair. It really isn't.
I'm so terribly sorry that your sweet little Emma Faith is not crawling around, tormenting her big sister and brother.
I hope she knows how very much she was, and is, loved. I wish that you didn't have to carry that worst memory in the world around with you. I wish that none of us had to.
Hugs to you xx
No matter how much time passes, I will always want to stamp my feet and scream NOT FAIR! Because it's just not.. no one can tell us that it is. I think every one of us has the right to grieve how we need too, even if it doesn't seem 'appropriate'. Our babies know how much we love them, miss them and long to hold them. Big hugs Jill..
and love from my, too. This journey is so, so hard and horrible.
-It's not fair- is something I say, shout, think, feel so often these days and I am so angry and sad and tormented.
It's like an endless merry-go-round and I am so sick of this ride but i can't get off. But sometimes it slows down enough.
I'm sorry Jill. I wish you better days.
xxines
I'm so sorry Jill. I will never get the image of Simon carrying Hope's coffin out of my head either. Why are these the only memories we get of our babies. You and everyone else is right - it is not fair. So grossly unfair.
Lots of love to you.
Oh yes, those memories. They are so vivid. I'm sorry Jill. Wishing you peace.
You're right, no one should have those memories. I am so sorry that you do. Thinking of you and your beautiful baby girl.
Always.
xxoo
No mother should have that memory. I'm so sorry you do. Thinking of you and Emma Faith today on her 8 month birthday.
That box. I remember that stupid little white box they gave me at the crematory. I hated that white box. NO parent should ever have to look at their child in a box. Ever. Ever. Ever. My heart aches for you. :(
I couldn't get to the computer Sunday, but I thought of you and Emma all day. It's so very not fair. :(
*hugs*
- Rachele
I am so sorry that you don't have more memories.
I said to DH yesterday that I should have already chopped my hair off and stopped wearing dangley earrings because Asa should be trying to rip them out. Its hard. I think that we'll think about these things for the rest of our lives.
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