I smile when I remember that I delayed starting this blog because I was frightened that if I started pouring it all out, I'd never stop; that I'd be sucked into a virtual world and fade away from the real world. It was like that to begin with. There would be so many threads I'd be trying to unravel in my brain. I post one thing and already be thinking about what I wanted to say next. But now, I look at the big gaps between my posts. It's not that the buzz in my head has quietened - I still find it hard to pin down any one feeling or emotion but I can't seem to find the words for here.
Perhaps it's because I feel wrapped in blackness right now. I never wanted this blog to be a place where I spewed bitterness. I've tried to look for the positives in this horrible and tragic situation. I believed (I think I still do) that whilst I will never "get over" my daughter's death, I will in time find joy and healing and hope. Sometimes that's just too hard.
Right now, I feel as though if I start to unpick the thoughts that rattle around in me, I'll fall apart. I feel so fragile. I miss my little girl so much. I ache for her every single day. It hasn't got easier - or rather it had. I definitely felt that I was making some progress. I was starting to rediscover a little of the life I had before. Maybe it's because I'm heading for Emma's nine months day. That just seems huge to me - in two weeks she'll have been gone from me longer than I ever carried her in my womb. I'm so frightened by that thought.
All I know is that today is a black day.
4 comments:
Oh Jill. Hugs.
I'm so sorry. I have been having a few rough days lately too. It seems to come in fits and starts, cycles, days when I feel better followed by days when I feel as though I am right back where I started.
I'm so sorry your sweet Emma isn't here with you. Nine months must be so very hard, I really can't imagine. I'm sure nine months was easier for me because the girls were born so early.
I hope that tomorrow is better.
Thinking of you and your beautiful little girl, Emma. xx
No denying it, nine months was very hard. My hardest time yet perhaps. The one thing helping me right now is this new baby. Without that, I don't like to think where I'd be. This stupid process is not linear, Jill. I think for years and years to come, I guess for the rest of our lives,we're going to be up and down like this.
I have missed you around here. You've been in my thoughts.
xo
It really is like a roller coaster ride, sometimes we have managable days, sometimes not. We learn to accept the pain as a part of us and simply learn to deal with that constant ache. Our arms feel empty and our heart is breaking but you learn to smile on the outside. Life can be cruel and I don't understand how this happens to us, it's only meant to happen to 'other people'. Each day will bring new joy and you will eventually feel less worried about your current bean.
I totally understand. Tomorrow is 2 months since I delivered Leila. I was doing pretty good, and the last few days everything changed. Sobbing, suicidal thoughts, the whole nine yards. Out of the blue.
Yeah, I'm late coming into this, so I'm praying that you're feeling better. Much love and understanding, sister.
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