Moonlight, Memories and Musings

The long drive home after visiting close friends who live at some distance. It's late and three bathed and pyjama-ed children sleep in the back. The sky is clear and the moon is full - maybe. Maybe just past full. It's beautiful and I think back to the days before Emma's birth - the frenzied speculations on the forum about whose labour would be triggered by the full moon. I look again. The moon is a nine months belly - full and round and gorgeous. From here, it's not barren and dusty - devoid of life.

The short drive away from home - I step out of the back door into a peaceful, silent night. I'm wearing a nightdress and wooley socks. I walk, pausing often to breathe...scream ...groan, to the ambulance that has come to take me to hospital. I'm barely away of my surroundings but just for a second, I look at the moon, serene and round. With total clarity, I know that this moment will be imprinted forever - a postcard on my mind. The moments just before the birth of my child. The moments just before her death.

I look behind me. I can't see baby. He's rear facing. I can barely see the oldest - they're in the second row of seats but I sense their breathing and their dreams. Just for a moment I'm aware of my second daughter too - the moon brings her close.

I step out of the back door - no romance. I'm taking the bins and the compost out. But I look at the moon and I remember a poem I wrote a long time ago. I go in and dig around the computer, trying to find it. To lay claim to something that connects me to her.


Emma's Playtime.

Search for me in the slim silver sickle
Of the new moon.
I'm swinging there
Legs out ... legs in
Flying high.
I've watched you teach my sister, mama,
And I can do it too.

See me climb the brightest rainbow
Heart in your mouth.
I'm sliding there
Hear me squeal with delight
As I propel myself down.
I love the orange, mama,
But I know you prefer indigo.

Find me in the softly blushing tulips -
The ones you bring to me.
I'm pretending to be Thumbelina.
I giggle as I hide
Tucking my knees under my chin.
I'm wearing fluffy fairy wings.
Can you see them, mama?

Admire my handiwork amongst the symphony of colours
In a beautiful sunset.
I'm finger painting
Dabbling my fingers in pots of pink and gold
The paint is everywhere, mama.
I'll enjoy my bath tonight.

Feel me in the sleepy kiss of my sister
As you tuck her in,
In the last, long hug my brother gives
Before you turn out the light.
It's been a busy day, mama.
I'll sleep well tonight.