If I'm honest, it was only a matter of time before I became a blogger ... even before Emma died I had developed a bit of a "forum" obsession. It started when I was expecting our second child - I joined a "Due Date Club" - somewhere to moan and groan and celebrate. It was so much fun ... and a seed was planted. Then our daughter was born and things got busier and I stopped visiting.
Fast forward a year or two. I had the great idea that we should add to our family and DH has agreed - eventually! I joined a Trying To Conceive forum. My husband just doesn't get overly excited about periods, cycles, temperatures (hard to imagine, I know) so it was good to have a like minded community to share with. When our third pregnancy ended at just 6 weeks, it was a simple matter to rejoin the forum for TTC after a loss ... and here's pretty much where a simple hobby began to tip over into mania. By the time I was 20 weeks pregnant with Emma, I was a member of 2 Due Date Clubs and a Pregnancy After Loss one too. In my defense, I would like to say that I did see my husband occasionally through the pregnancy.
...and then, it all went hideously and catastrophically wrong ... I went back to the boards to post sad goodbyes to women who had become virtual friends, women who were now mostly cherishing little newborns in babymoon land. I had to find weeping icons instead of champagne corks popping. The trouble with forums is that they are all about words and, for a while, there were no words to explain how being tipped head first into hell feels ... but they were all I had. Initially my husband and I didn't have anyone else IRL to talk to about this so it was back to the forums; loss ones now ... and, from the bottom of my heart, I bless the internet for existing. Posting on MDC Birth Loss and the SANDS forum has been my sanity these crazy months. When I felt alone, I could see (heartbreakingly) that I wasn't.
From there, it was a simple of matter of clicking on someone's signature and finding myself in the blogasphere (blogosphere? blogisphere?). I have wept for women I will never meet and mourned their birthed and buried children, even as I grieve my own. Reading their words made me want to join in - so here I am, dipping my toe in the water to see how it feels. I have to confess I'm nervous. I want to tell my story but I don't want to bore anyone. I want to speak of my daughter but I want to cherish her and hug her close. I want my voice to mingle with the ones already telling this painful story but I don't want to simply be a mimic. I just want to be me. Time will tell if I can manage this.
If you've made it this far ... welcome.
2 comments:
I'm glad you finally ventured into blogger land!! Can't wait to read all your innermost secrets!! hehee :) Seriously though.. remembering the days after Dresden died and just looking for answers.. I found so many blogs and it's unbelievable how much they helped. I hope that some day my words can help someone too... even if just to let them know that they aren't alone. It's important for us to stick together.
So nice to see you blogging, Firefly. I'm trying it out, too.
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