My sister-in-law gave birth yesterday. Her first child - a daughter. A baby who evens up the number of boys and girls on Emma's daddy's side of the family. Of course, outside of the family, it looks like we have more boys than girls ... sigh ...
We went to the hospital to visit with them. She is a beautiful, beautiful baby girl and I got to hold her and watch her frown and dribble and dream sweet baby dreams. It isn't the first time I've held a tiny baby girl since I had to let Emma leave my arms. My other niece was born a few weeks before Emma (I think I might have mentioned this fact a few [hundred] times.) The first time I held her was blissful. I scooped her up over the enormous swell of my 37 week Emma belly and enjoyed breathing her sweet newborn baby scent.
The next time I held her was at my daughter's funeral wake. I, honestly, can't remember how I found the strength or desire to do that. It's one of my few clear memories of Emma's burial day. Maybe because it's the last time I ever held that little girl in my arms and she'll be 3 next week. Things are a little easier now but, when the film of denial and numb disbelief wore off, I found my other little niece virtually impossible to be around. We tried, the Christmas afterwards, when she was three months old and Emma would've, should've been 2. I wasn't ready - I see that now. I wasn't ready to do family Christmas. It's the nearest I ever came in my grief to having a breakdown. Every time, my sister in law came into a room holding her baby, I had to get up and leave. I spent a lot if time crying in bathrooms and being horrifically difficult to be around.
So, yesterday wasn't the first time I have held a baby girl since Emma died but it was the first time it didn't almost kill me and I am so pleased she is here - safe and sound and whole and glorious.
5 comments:
So happy to hear of babies arriving happy and healthy.
And proud of you for having a cuddle. I know how hard it is, especially with the little girls.
xo
Oh Jill, that's so hard.
I totally relate to your feelings around the baby that's so close in age to what Emma should be. My cousin had her baby 16 days before our Joseph. I held her tiny 5lb baby girl over my huge pregnant belly and we talked about how life would be with these 2 babies growing up together. I held her the next time, about a month after Joseph was born, and haven't gone near her since, 8 months later. I can hardly even look at her.
There's something about being more Ok with babies that are newer that what our babies would be now. That's what I'm finding anyway.
It's hard though and good for you for embracing this new little one. And remembering Emma in these challenging moments. xo
I dont even know what led me to your blog tonight but I am SO thankful that something did. My daughter Hannah died 3 months before my sister had her daughter. I know it sounds mean but I hated her. Every first that her baby had all I could think was MY baby is supposed to be doing that. I couldnt feel happy for them at all. I felt insanely jealous. The first Christmas was terribly hard, as I knew it would be, but I tried to force myself through it and in the end made it into a disaster for everyone. I have now learned what I need to do to protect myself from those kind of situations and they still dont GET it. They expect me to be over it and guess what I never am going to be. Nor do I EVER want to get over my precious baby anymore than I want to get over needing oxygen to breathe. While I am sad that you had to go through that I am thankful for your willingness to share your feelings so that I know that I am not alone.
Oh how this just tugs at my heart.....
I'm glad that your newest niece arrived safely. I'm not surprised that you have found your other niece, born so close to Emma, difficult to be with. I think you are very brave to have attempted it and your description of holding her at Emma's funeral tears at my heart.
And do you know what, with the obvious exception of Jessica, I still haven't held a baby girl since. Lots of boys but no girls.
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