9 months.
Tomorrow she will have been gone from my arms longer than I ever held her in my womb. But she is not gone from my heart - my ever pregnant heart. There she lives, there she shines, there she IS ... eternally.
***
The Red Tent.
After reading this beautiful post from Inanna, I was compelled to go back and read this gorgeous book. It is rich and dangerous and brutal and sad. I've read it more than once but this time I read it in a different way. I read it as a baby lost mother. I don't think I managed more than 2 pages at a time without tears. It is a story that honors motherhood profoundly. It is a story that recognises that for all mothers, even those who in our sanitised culture have forgotten it, death & life are both a part of birth.
"In the red tent we knew that death was the shadow of birth, the price women pay for the honor of giving life. Thus, our sorrow was measured." (page 58)
We ignore the shadow in our modern world and when our babies die, we become shadow women. Other mothers don't know what to make of us. They don't/can't embrace us because we are the embodiment of their most secret fear. The thing they want to deny.
We don't have a red tent. I do have a little gray box and a keyboard. It's not quite the same but I don't know where I'd be without you all - my modern red tent.
***
Gravestones.
I never imagined having to choose a gravestone FOR MY BABY. It stinks and we can't agree on a design. But we will, because we do agree that we want her name proclaimed. Her tiny plot is no longer so clear, the edges are no longer raw like a gaping wound. There is comfort in that, the earth is doing its job - integrating her more thoroughly than I can yet. But there is fear too - I don't want her forgotten or hidden. So soon, there will be a stone - beautiful and polished and permanent and we will plant daffodils round it. And her name will be remembered.
9 comments:
I'm so sorry you're choosing a gravestone, rather than a blanket or a cute hat. I agree about wanting her name proclaimed. She *will* be remembered. I'm remembering Emma Faith along with you.
Lachlan's brass nameplate was just installed today, and I haven't seen it yet. I'm sure it will be emotional, but good to see it. It's so permanent and grounding.
I'll be thinking of your lovely Emma Faith tomorrow, Jill. 9 months is a particularly hard milestone I think. Lots of love and strength to you xx
I'll be thinking of all of you tomorrow, lighting a candle and remembering Emma. With much love and grounding, as always.
Yes, are living proof of all other mothers' worst nightmares. I see it in my friends' eyes. And designing gravestones for our babies has to be one of the cruellest things we can do. It is not supposed to be like that.
Nine months is hard, Jill. I'll be thinking of you and holding Emma close.
Thinking of you and Emma tomorrow.
'my ever pregnant heart' - what a beautiful description Jill. Emma will never be gone from your heart.
Thinking of you and your family and little Emma today. xx
I always think of you and Emma, but today especially. 9 months was particularly hard on me, too.
We are also starting to think of gravestones. What a nasty, horrid thing to have to do. *hugs*
i am late to this, and i'm not sure i've ever commented here before, though i read and know Emma's name.
i just wanted to say two things...
first, a little belatedly out here in my perch on the world, i am honouring this nine month anniversary. for a baby born on her due date, particularly poignant...sigh. but her name is known and remembered. such a small and big thing. not enough. but still.
and second, the Red Tent. my book club read it a year after Finn died, and luckily Oscar's birth meant i avoided that meeting. because i think i would have raged and keened and moaned at them all for not being a red tent, for living in denial of the shadow. fair or not. but i too found a little gray box and a keyboard, and i am grateful.
oh yes, we are the thing they want to deny. it's so painful. i sat at a table with four other mothers today. i wanted to join in their casual conversation but i know their expectation is that i won't talk about my DEAD BABY and make anyone uncomfortable. so i would rather not talk at all.
we are also choosing a gravestone. i need his spot marked.
christie
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