From my favourite Keats poem, To Autumn.
I have always loved Autumn - I love the cosiness and the crunchiness, the chance to light fires and wear thick, woolen tights. There is a relief at arriving here after the heat of summer, which does not suit my temperament. I love searching for conkers on the village green and going on crunchy leaf walks with toddlers in froggy wellingtons.
Season of mists and mellow fruitfulness ...fill all fruit with ripeness to the core;
I still love the season but I stand, broken and grieving with my dead child in my heart, resenting nature's fecundity. I stand a moment, of an evening, watching the sky turn glorious shades of crimson and orange before I draw the curtains and turn inwards. I call those skies our "Emma sunsets" and I welcome them, even as they break my heart.
I dread and long for her birthday in equal measure too. I don't need a single day to cherish Emma or to celebrate and love her but it is good to have a day that is hers, truly hers. But, the heaviness ... oh the heaviness. I am slow and sluggish now, crabbed and sharp, constantly tired with the anticipation of what is coming.
She will be three. My older children separated (just a little) from me when they were three; attending pre-school for two hours each morning. It was a happy and healthy parting for us with joyful reunions over junk modelling and finger-painted self portraits. I should be anticipating the same for Emma. But our parting took place many years ago, just hours after she was born, and there is no possibility of a reunion in this life. And I hate that. I can see my breath on the air in the mornings but I can't see my child.
8 comments:
Sweet Jill.. what beautiful words. I often look for Cullen at the opposite time of day.. at night- in the stars, the air, the darkness of the sky.
Yes she would be three, and life for those left behind will always be full of wondering what her life would have become. I am so sorry that you and so many of us know this ace.
Sending you peace,love and light.. always.
This is beautifully written. I feel about Spring as you feel about Autumn. This year though, I also find myself remembering that by Autumn last year I could almost be creative again, almost function.
Remembering Emma with you, as always.
Beautiful words, Jill. I try and see C. in the every day. Some days I'm more successful at it than others.
It's spring here and the wildflowers are out and blooming on the roadsides. There are pink and white ones called "everlastings." Ever since I first saw them and heard their name, I always think of C.
((HUGS)) to you. Remembering Emma always. ♥
This is how I feel as Summer approaches, our babies are so closely linked with their own seasons.
Beautiful writing Jill, for a beautiful girl. x
Beautiful imagery Jill. "I call those skies our "Emma sunsets" and I welcome them, even as they break my heart." I think this sums it up for me most days, the beauty and the brokenness, all wrapped into one. Thanks for sharing your beautiful words, your beautiful Emma. Peace to you today.
What a beautiful poem. I'd never read it before as, sadly, I'm a bit of an ignoramus when it comes to poetry. And I never knew that the CBeebies autumn song is kind of a rip off of a Keats poem! You learn something new every day.
I'm sorry that you are parted from your daughter, it shouldn't be. It's so achingly sad. I wish that Emma were with you, to be seen and to start making her first tentative steps towards independence.
Three. Three. Just so hard to believe.
xo
I so agree with the dreading and longing for their birthdays.. so strange. Thinking of you and remembering Emma always! :)
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