I gave birth to a daughter in 2008 - a beautiful, bouncing baby girl as the rhetoric goes. Oh my, she was beautiful. I don't have words to describe how precious she was although I try. I pour words into this place about her and to her but I'm not skilled enough to render how truly gorgeous my little girl was or how deep my love for her has settled into me.
2009 has rolled past, 2010 has been and gone. How? How, when my world stood still that day have I suddenly found myself 26 months further on, living and breathing? Surely, it was only yesterday that I undressed her tiny body and tucked her inside my nightshirt, hoping my body heat would warm her rapidly cooling little body? Three Christmases, three New Years and it still hurts like hell that she died when she should have lived. She feels so present, curled up in my heart and she feels so distant, flying in the stars.
.
I gave birth to a son in 2010 and he lived. When he breathed, I breathed out and I have had almost twelve months discovering that the treasure at the end of the rainbow is not actually gold - it's chubby baby thighs and milky breath tickling my neck at 4am.
2011 - the year my son turns one, my daughter turns 3 and I continue to straddle the twin worlds of love and loss.
With love to all who are navigating it all too. May 2011 bring you only good things.
10 comments:
Sounds familiar Jill, I sending you much love and wishes for a peaceful 2011
There are no words in the universe to describe accurately the beauty we have lost.
Wishing you peace for 2011 x
beautifully said Jill. I hope 2011 is a great year for your family as well! <3
I thought the same myself .....
Yes, beautifully said. Wishing you and your family and peaceful New Year.
straddling. good word, great word.
Change of a digit on the year seems to make a lot of us question our identity and our perspective on life.
I think we all do that, straddle. For often there is a huge discrepancy between what we have/are and what we want/would like to be. I try and search for peace and accepting the me in the here and now, but, easy? No. It's a straddle and sometimes it's doing the splits! As long as I don't fall, I think I'm ok.
Wishing you the very best for 2011.
much love
xx
You have said this so beautifully.. there is so much that I long for right now. I straddle two worlds.... never feeling truly solid in either one.
Sending love and grace...
I agree, you've put my feelings into words beautifully. I hope this year brings nothing but good things to you and your family. *hugs*
Oh Jill, wow. I really could have written this myself. This is it. This is exactly it. This is where I'm at right now.
Three Christmases, three New Years Eves and still wondering how on earth I got here and how on earth all of this happened to me.
Every day, it feels like yesterday. Yet every day, it feels like another lifetime ago.
xo
I can't say it better than Sally already has in her final sentence. I think I've definitely been doing the splits for the past couple of years Forward Tumble! Hoping I'll find my feet one day.
What a beautiful post Jill. Emma was such a pretty baby. I always think that when I see her photograph at the top of your blog. xo
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