The daffodils we planted on Emma's birthday are blooming now. I stood by her grave today, in the peace and the sunshine, and wondered at the passing of time. It's been long enough for us to plant bulbs and for those bulbs to grow and flower. Sometimes it feels like forever. I can't remember the person I was on 13th October 2008. Other times, like today, it's still so close. I can be back in the hospital room, her tiny body lifted onto my chest. Triumph - followed by devastation. I remember removing the clothes the midwives had dressed her in and holding her bare body inside my nightdress in some parody of kangaroo care. I was so warm, she was so cold. My heart was beating hard enough for both of us - but it wasn't enough. I was waiting for my miracle that day - I was going to make headlines. "Baby presumed dead suddenly breathes." I didn't (of course). She remained dead and I remain bereft of my daughter and my miracle.
Eighteen months, sweetheart. We love you and we miss you.
8 comments:
Just said the same to your husband, 18 months hit me hard.
Thinking of you all, especially Emma, on this day.
xo
Thinking of you all today and remembering your little Emma. I wish that you had made the headlines. The line about your heart beating hard enough for both you has me in tears. x
Eighteen months is such a long time. Thinking of you and of Emma. The daffodils look so lovely. x
Oh Jill, that description of holding Emma on your chest... Yes. That's how it was.
Thinking of you all and remembering Emma x x
Ah, Jill.. reading that gave me chills... her grave is so lovely!
((HUG)) The daffy-dills are beautiful....and so is your love for your little one. XXX
The flowers are beautiful. The wrods you wrote, are stunning. I wish you had made headlines too.
xxoo
her grave is just so beautiful! it makes me so happy to see that some of you can actually plant living things at your baby's graves. wishing we had put a little more thought into where matthew was buried.
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