I needed to step away, pause, regroup - enjoy these fleeting, precious newborn moments with my last child.
But I still need this place. Because, despite the joy and happiness that Toby has brought back to our family, my daughter is still dead. Still dead. Still dead. Stillborn, still dead. And I still miss her deeply. I still want to speak her name. Toby has given me opportunities to do that. People ask who he looks like. "Emma. He looks like Emma," I say - and watch their confusion, their memories ticking over as they try to remember who Emma is. My daughter, his sister. I have not forgotten and I will speak her name over and over again. It may discomfort them but it brings me comfort.
He smiles now - and it melts me to tears. Tears of joy, tears of absolute devastation. He is so beautiful when he smiles. I know her smile would have been adorable too and I feel like I've lost her all over again.
And even though I've not been writing or reading here as frequently, I have been thinking about you all. I am still here.
6 comments:
It's good to hear from you.I'm glad Toby is giving you the chance to speak Emma's name. I'm sorry she can't be here. x
My rainbow baby's smiles melt me to the floor...and I still mourn the smiles I never got to see.
((HUGS)) So happy that you have Tobias to love. I'm so sorry for your sorrow. Praying for your comfort.
Very familiar post.
Thinking of you, Jill.
xo
I don't think it's an accident that he looks like Emma... and speaking her name is always a gift to the world...
My husband told me yesterday that he didn't want to have more children because he couldn't stand to always look at them and wonder why our twins couldn't have lived too. He said it would be too painful for him...that it would be like losing them over and over and over.
Emma....Simon and Alexander....all the sweet little's that are still wanted...ever wanted. and ever gone.
Thanks for sharing. Enjoy your little darling...he IS beautiful, and so was Emma.
Post a Comment