I want to have all four of my children. I want to raise both the sons and both the daughters I have birthed. I should be grateful - I AM *so* grateful for Ben and Lucy and Toby but I miss Emma. Toby hasn't changed that.
When we attending counselling with our bereavement midwife, she used the metaphor of Emma's death as a great big black ball. She said that as time passed and as we mourned we'd find things to wrap the ball up in. Gradually we'd find more things to stretch over it, we'd get more adept at covering the ball but, crucially, the ball would remain the same size forever. It would never shrink. Toby has provided us with so much wrapping for the big, black ball of our grief but it is true. The absence of Emma remains as big and as tragic and as sad as it ever was, as it always will be. I stood by her grave with Dave, just after Toby was born, and told him I wanted them both. "I know", he said, "I'm greedy like that too."
12 comments:
Of course you want them both. I understand.
I wish you had them both too.
Me too, Jill. Me too. x
add me to the greedy bunch!!
I've called myself selfish. My beliefs tell me that she's in heaven which is a "better place." But I still want her here with me. Mine.
Selfish, greedy.. a big black ball.
There's got to be a better word than greedy. Because we're not greedy, we're justified. I feel the same way too though. I haven't had my rainbow baby *yet* but I still look at my 4 living children and think 'but i've already got so much!'
*hugs*
I don't think it's greedy. A new baby doesn't take the place of the one you've lost, nothing can take her place in your heart. I'm so glad you have Toby, that some of your hope has come back in his new life but I wish you had Emma too. Hoping these days are gentle...Hugs
You have a wise grief counselor! What a good metaphor! You know I feel the same way about Josie: I wish she was here. I wish I could have them both, wish I could have kept them together. I get a lump in my throat frequently thinking about that. The aching actually, for Josie, has intensified palpably - probably simply because Bella's progress every day has put into sharp focus what could have been, with Josie. What I'm trying to do is to celebrate Josie on the back of Bella's development - which so far has been successful without overshadowing Bella, who is a completely different person and very loved in her own, completely unique way. No, I should be more accurate there: she is loved endlessly and with complete abandon, in the same was as I love her sister.
It's SO hard to explain to some people who haven't lost a child, that one can love a child like this even though one might not have gotten to spend much - or indeed any - time with them outside the womb. Maybe the best time to have another who hasn't lost a baby understand what it might be like is during the later stages of pregnancy, when they themselves can feel their baby moving and growing. But, we don't tend to raise the subject then, do we - because that would be the time of greatest fear. It's hard. XxxX
I wish you had them all too. I don't think it's greed, I think it's quite normal to want your wonderful unique Emma with you.
A big black ball. Yes indeed.
xxx
I think that your bereavement midwife is right and that is a perfect description. I've often thought that I should be so happy and grateful that Jessica survived, that it should somehow 'cancel' out Georgina's death. But I wanted them both, I loved them both, I love them together but entirely separately, simultaneously.
And we miss that particular person, those particular little girls, Emma, Georgina. We mourn those specific soul that we could have got to know had life been kinder to us and to them. x
Sigh.
Greedy for you, greedy for all of us.
And that is such a perfect description....a wise woman.
Me too Jill....
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