... that's what I've been up to this week. I decided to head to aqua natal classes at the local pool. I have been doing a salsacise class at our local community centre but Jurgen is no longer a willing participant in being shaken about like that - not even the sedate sort of shaking that I am able to manage. Aqua natal is perfect - all jiggling goes on beneath the water, which acts as a wonderful cushioning pillow to poor, saggy (non-existent, possibly) tummy muscles like mine.
I knew it would be unsettling the first time I went. The last time I went I was 20-something weeks pregnant with Emma. But I thought it would be okay. I mean it isn't as though I was a regular aquanatalist the last time - the classes didn't coincide with nursery pickups so I had many good intentions but not much in the way of actual exercise. I think I managed 3 classes all told.
And the class was fun, once I got past the initial weirdness of the same swimsuit, the same instructor, different, but still bumplicious, other participants - I got to pretend cycle up the pool on an green latex noodlely thing - what's NOT fun about that I ask you? But, it was like being hit by a brick. I am NOT a normal pregnant woman.
Normal pregnant women don't wonder if they are killing their baby by doing (very gentle) exercise. Normal women don't pause and wonder how much information is absolutely essential when the instructor asks if there is anything she should know about this pregnancy. Internal answer: Yes, it's a blessing, it's a miracle, it's fragile, it might end at any minute for absolutely no reason, don't you dare do anything that might cause my uterus to erupt or my cervix to melt or my baby to die, d'you hear me? External answer: No, everything is fine thank you. Normal pregnant women don't almost fall of their green, latex noodle when the instructor (who is also a midwife) tells us all, during the relaxation phase of the class, that S. - the tall one with bobbed hair - had her baby last week. A nice, straightforward labour. You see, says the midwife joyously, it does happen, even with first babies. We need to focus on the positives not the horror stories because it's mind over matter. If we think positively, it'll all be fine. I was in the deep end so I couldn't throw my noodle at her but the temptation was there. I was an all singing, all dancing advert for the power of positive pregnancy. I LOVED pregnancy and I LOVED all things birth related. I was the Little Miss Sunshine of the positive birth community. Guess what, my baby died. I don't want to broadcast this fact to a group of women I've never met before but I don't think I'm unreasonable to think that a midwife, of all people, might recognise that there might just be someone in her class for whom those sort of comments might just be a little bit on the sensitive side.
So, I think I can safely say that I'm not really, truly a normal pregnant woman this time around. I think I'll still go back though - I DID like the green noodle and I might get a pink one next time.
7 comments:
Sweetie, you ARE a normal pregnant woman. The situation is abnormal - YOU are not! Your eyes are opened, is all. You are wise to the ways of the world on the other side of the wheel of life. It's okay to be that way - you're okay.
*HUGE hugs* my good friend XXX
Oh Jill my dear, I SO get this. This is why I did not go back to prenatal yoga, because I did not want to mix with regular pregnant folk and the "bubble burster". So I go to a regular yoga class instead, but I just get the teacher to modify movements though. This ha been a bit of a shit though, as I'm the only pregnant person there most weeks (sometimes there is another woman, but I make a point of putting my mat as far away from her as I can) and I'm a bit of a novelty! Everyone wants to chat with the lady and the bump. I told the instructor (who is like Queen Goddess Mother Earth) my story and I think I said it loudly enough that a few people heard and the questions have died down.
Sigh. This is all what makes pregnancy after loss so much harder than people think. Every situation is loaded.
You handle yourself so well. Props for not throwing the pool noodle square at her head!
That made me laugh - throw your noodle at her, that would have been hilarious. I am sorry that the "normalcy" is gone with this pregnancy. Your post is so honest and open, I sure appreciate your sharing this. Being pregnant will never be innocent again, as we know all the things that could go wrong in the blink of an eye. Praying for your baby and you. I hope you are enjoying this pregnancy as much as possible. Love to the sky,
XX
Jill, I love the way you can make me smile even when I'm welling up at the injustice of it all.
I wonder if it might be worth having a quiet word with the midwife next week as it sounds like aquanatal is a brilliant thing for you. But however many varieties of noodle there are, it will be tough to stick it out with that sort of ill-informed babble going on.
xx
Argh, I'm somehow laughing my head off and crying my eyes out at the same time. What have you done to me Jill?!
I totally understand the noodle throwing temptation. Mind over matter, my a***. She would have deserved a noodle of any colour (or possibly both colours) hurled at her for that remark.
I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. You would think that a midwife would understand that positive thoughts (sadly) don't have any correlation with the outcome.
Hope that she is less unbearable next week and also hope you get the pink noodle. Thinking of you. xoxoxo
Wow, you would really think that the midwife would know better than to say that. I hope that your next aquanatal class is more pleasant. Floating around on the noodle sounds like fun!
Hi Jill,
I know I am responding to this late, but I wanted to say that I totally get how you feel. And, as with Hope's Mama, it is the very reason the thought of going to prenatal yoga makes me panicky.
It's totally up to you how much, if anything, you wish to share with the instructor, but I think it might be worth saying something. If only because it's sentiments like the one that she expressed that help lead women who experience a tragic loss to blame themselves. It is not mind over matter, just as not thinking positively enough doesn't precipitate bad outcomes. If you don't think you could get through saying something without crying (I probably couldn't) or don't want to do it in person, you could always leave a note for her and even just sign it "A Mother In Your Aquanatal Class." As someone who is in the position of influencing women's attitudes towards birth, she needs to be aware of the implications of what she is saying. The "just think positive and everything will be okay" may seem like a nice sentiment, but it has ugly implications.
I have to admit, attitudes like the one she expressed are a hot button of mine right now, so I couldn't stay in the class if I had to worry about the instructor saying messed up things like that. I hope that you are able to enjoy your class and that your instructor gets a clue one way or another. (((Jill)))
-mischievium (@ MDC)
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