... that's pretty much where I've been, these past couple of weeks. Just being one of the dancing, ever changing flecks that glow when you hold them up to the light. Some of them are dark, some of them are bright. Together the patterns are luscious. I love kaleidoscopes.
I'm learning, more deeply than before, that this grief is eternal. It changes and mutates and bursts into the foreground and fades into the background but it is - always. I've been rediscovering joy with the children I am privileged to parent. I was frightened it was gone for ever but it hasn't. Moments of perfect peace and contentment and licking of cake batter - they've come back. I'm glad. They are my light, my life and my reason for living. I've been rediscovering belly laughs and bear hugs with my husband too. I am proud of us - weathered and brow beaten and together and in love. I'm recognising my limits too - and learning to respect my own vulnerabilities. I have met my brand new nephew and my 8 month old niece, thought how gorgeous and adorable they both were and forgave myself for feeling not one iota of longing to hold them in my arms - and forgave them for not being Emma.
The pattern will change again - and I'm learning to let it.
5 comments:
I feel bound to point out that I consider myself to be neither
a) brow beaten
nor
b) weathered.
Although I would concede that my eye-brows may very well be.
[cue belly laugh]
Love,
D
I'm glad for you that you've rediscovered moments of peace and contentment. We need them! I've also found it interesting that I can be laughing and enjoying myself, with the great big belly laughs, but the heaviness is always there in the background... I like your analogy to a kaleidoscope. It does feel a lot like that.
That last line really made me tear up... forgiving the babies for not being ours, I've done that too - without realizing it, I think, and of course forgiving myself for having no desire to hold them.. I wonder if that will change after I hold Delaney?
Your post hit so close to home. We are forever learning how to live in our new normal. It's difficult, it's a challenge, but it's nice to know that there is a little peace along the way too.
Beautiful. I'm so glad that the good things are starting to come back to you. xx
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