"Pregnancy brain" - that well documented (by mothers, at least) condition whereby you put your purse in the fridge and attempt to leave the house carrying a pint of milk (no? Just me then) is nothing I'm discovering. Not compared to grief brain. In the very early days after Emma died I simply couldn't concentrate on anything at all for more than about 10 seconds. I'd watch peoples' mouths move and not really be aware that I should be decoding the sounds coming to me. I'd wander upstairs with things in my arms to put away and find, when I got to the top of the stairs, that I'd completely forgotten why I was there - despite the physical evidence in my arms.
Anything that required more than the most cursory care and attention was left neglected and I missed - I still miss - reading. I am a bookworm and an English graduate and a former high school English teacher so my inability to lose myself in the pages of a novel is particularly frustrating. I need escapism, right at the point when I simply lack the brain power to truly appreciate it. I do read - but it's stuff I've read before. (Ha.rry Pot.ter anyone?) That's safe. If I've read it before I know whether I'm going to be confronted by plot devices or situations that might pull me up short. Whilst I'm uplifted and upheld by the real life stories I search out in the blogs I read, I don't especially want trauma and sadness shadowing me into my little bubble of relief from the hard slog of grieving. Reading blogs is participating in this painful world, reading novels is my attempt to retreat from it.
I'm quite sure my grief counsellor would want to explore further the fact that when I do pick up anything new, I have to flip to the last chapter first. I just need to check, I need to know how things will turn out before I commit myself. I need to know if there's a happy ending.
10 comments:
Yes. Glad it isn't just me. I feel sometimes like I'm losing my mind. I forget EVERYTHING lately. 10x worse than pg. Thankfully breathing is involuntary. :x
There should always be a happy ending! I am getting better now than in the early months, but I can totally relate to just watching people's mouths move.. and believe me, they moved more than usual, trying to brighten my day probably.. and I'd just hear blah blah blah! I still have trouble listening to other people's problems.. no matter how bad they seem to be, they just aren't as bad as MY issue.. my life long issue will always be worse! That's why I can really focus and pay attention to others in our situation.. I feel like I can connect with you guys.. it's not OH, boohoo, I lost my job! :( It's I LOST MY BABY!! That fact trumps everything in my world!
Oh yes, I can relate too. It's getting better I guess, but there are still so many things that my brain just doesn't do well! The other day I drove to town... I stopped at the gate, got out and opened it, got back in and drove through, got out and closed it, got back in and drove off... Got 4 km up the road and had the thought 'oh shit' did I close it? I spent the rest of the day (I didn't have time to go back and check so I had to rely on the fact that I never not close it so it's habit!) worrying that the horses would be out! Of course it was closed!
It drives me nuts honestly. I don't remember names, conversations or what I've done with something.
I had to smile at your comment on the purse in the fridge etc... the best I did was a whole load of washing but forgot to put the washing in - didn't realise until I went to hang it out!
And yes Shannon... we do trump the world!
http://allthelittleponies.blogspot.com
xxx
Oh yes, grief brain. I know it well. I prided myself on being the organised one before all this shit went down in my life. Now I barely remember what day it is.
Just another lovely side effect we have to deal with. Sigh.
Wouldn't it be perfect if we all were assured of that happy ending?....
I'm reading again. But it took nearly a year after Kees' death. And I'm loving it again.
Reading has always been one of my favourite things.
Movies and TV now have to be "happy" - no more sad endings and scary stuff for me. Only happy things.
i wanted to ask you if i could link your blog in my sydney blog....i love how you put your heart into words...and i am encouraged by your tender honesty? let me know. i will wait to hear from you...prayers to you as i walk this journey with you....
I also REALLY miss reading. I used to devour novels but now I don't have the concentration. And I can also only re-read stuff I've read before. Yup the boy wizard is also featuring and the oeuvre of a certain Ms J Cooper. My friend told me that the latter got her through her husband's chemo so (all of a sudden) it seemed to be right up my street. What happened to my brain? What happened to my life? Here's hoping that the old familiar escape route of books opens up again soon.
And I thoroughly approve of your happy ending checking strategy.
xo
again, wow. it's like i am reading my own story...watching people's mouths move..spacing in a conversation and butting back in with, "i'm sorry, what were we talking about?"...i still struggle with reading..i am also still struggling with talking on the phone, i can't commit to the conversation and idea of engaging so i avoid it....you are SO not alone on this walk...please know you are my thoughts today...
by the way, your sweet Emma Faith is beautiful. absolutely stunning.....i am glad i got to know about her here....
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